The Testing of My Faith

Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. James 1:12

Yesterday, while talking with my Lord, I wondered if I had the faith needed to survive various trials like I see happening with others. I knew better not to ask for a trial but I did recognize the need for such a thing. Afterall, how else can one know if something works unless it is exercised. It makes sense to me in the material world, why not in the spiritual. I concluded my time with God that morning by giving him permission to test me, if that is what he wanted.

The test came.

Now looking back, it came about 15 hours after our conversation. At least I think it was a test. It was done in my home with my husband and the words he said so stung my heart-or was it my ego- that my eyes filled with tears as my heart burst in shock and pain. It's been awhile since that has happened but it flowed with the many recent experiences I have been in. The words appeared to attack the kind of person I am. It was accusatory of a defect, a terrible defect in my personality that connotes that I am of the baser sort. AHHH. Of course I am, but not really, am I? There's the struggle.

I didn't retreat into self-pity for long; I was in and out of soul, flesh, and spirit intermittently all night long. Ironically, the message I heard that evening was about forgiveness. The story was emphasized about the ruler who forgave the servant of a huge debt--similar to that of the US debt in present terms---that can never be repaid. And yet, the forgiven servant was caught choking his debtor who owed him less than $100. Not only that, at the service I even prayed for my husband and forgave him, and asked God for forgiveness for purposely saying unkind words to him before we even left for church!!

I have watched myself as if I was the judge to see if I would pass the "test". I have fought going into revenge by giving the silent treatment. I have sought understanding of my accuser and realized he was only a tool for my benefit and has no clue he was the ordained method prescribed to teach me. I have caught a glimpse of how it feels to be slandered in reputation true or not. We have an identity we lay claim to that is easily in the way of the plans of what the Master holds for us.

Oh, I am so glad I am on a short leash. I am dangerous and harmful to others and myself. He is so gracious to correct me but not with stinging words, but if the sting comes from others, I have to acknowledge that they ultimately come from Him. All things are His servants and I choose to embrace them in order to see what kind of faith I have and in whom.